Please solve this puzzle!

Why can't he shut his mouth?

Beware of these fleshy creatures!

I don’t know when and how I befriended this bespectacled creature, but obviously I was not protecting him from the occasional summer winds. He still needs protection from any kind of winds as there is always a risk of being blown away. But it’s not intentional on the part of wind as it’s very difficult to figure out something which has hardly any volume. I guess he used to cling to me as I was noticeable from miles apart. Now, please don’t jump to this conclusion that I am one of those guys in your office or college who walks away with all the attention of the opposite sex. (Kids in school, please excuse. It’s not time to think of attention. Grow hair first.) But eyeballs roll whenever I’m around and it’s irrespective of sexual preferences. After all size does matter, it may be pleasant (read bliss) or a big pain (you know where!).

Despite these eye-catching contradictions in volume, we seemed inseparable. At least, in movie halls and outside college campus. We were intelligent enough to understand that we had no bright future in matters related creatures that used to excite us with the explicitly visible extra flesh on a particular zone of their bodies. (I still wonder why the same amount of flesh, if grown a little lower, turns so repulsive.) So we never got close to these mysterious elements and preferred to observe them from a safe distance. And this distance paid off! We were eternally ecstatic!

After more than a decade we realise how foolish it was on our part to keep aside that wisdom of our youth and let ourselves carried away by these fleshy creatures. Now for all those uninitiated I describe this situation a la advertisements of weight-loss centres.

Before: We laughed together
After: We cry together

Moral of the story: Beware of these fleshy creatures

Lost dreams

Though I have not experienced it myself, I can very well understand the trauma of being labelled as an unemployed youth. In fact, it sounds an oxymoron to me as there’s no youthfulness left in unemployment. I guess the great Lord has always been nice to me and you cannot argue with me when I say that despite being idle for most of my life, I have been suitably employed. It’s always an achievement to get generously paid for almost doing nothing. And that has been my only achievement till date.

Now that you realise that I’m left with no work, it’s obvious that I have mastered the art of keeping myself busy with issues, which is no one’s business. For instance, I did a survey on those who do nothing a la me and sadly don’t get paid too. Amazingly 99.99 per cent of them get up late in the morning. You know why?

They have hijacked all the beautiful dreams in the world! Now you know why you often come up with the most horrible dreams that scare the hell out of you. I’m planning to request the government to heavily tax these souls as it’s unfair that they are still hoping that the best is yet to come.

Unfortunately we have lost hope!

That’s the problem we have been facing for a while. We have exhausted all our dreams or lost them halfway on our mad rush towards something, which we are also not sure of. Where is the charm of an uncertain future? We almost know what’ll happen to our lives tomorrow provided the good Lord doesn’t have any specific design for us.

It’s time we jostle ourselves up from the cosy comforts of our jobs and get mad!

Ehshas me hai awarapan, jism me hai pagalpan…yun hota to kya hota

I'm back

When I first started blogging (does that word exist?) I was doing it for myself. Just to keep a record. But when people started asking me questions like ‘why are you not blogging’ I was surprised (and flattered too!). It really amuses me that someone takes pain to read my gibberish. I’m not saying out of modesty, but there’s nothing very special about my life and I often write about myself. Anyway, this is a tricky situation as I have to be more careful while writing. Someone is watching!

The last time I wrote here was months back. Lots of things have changed in my life, in fact, some major changes. Everyday I get up and gulp down a pill which will be my constant companion till I breathe my last. Friends, here I declare that I’ve been detected to be suffering from hyper-tension (very unlikely syndrome for me as I never take tension; how can I do that when I don’t think at all?), in clear words, high blood pressure. Initially it was 150/100, but now clearly under control at 120/80. After all, the pill is there!

However, it was an accidental discovery. I visited a doctor due to an abdominal pain, which was later found to be caused by a stone in my gall bladder. It was discovered on March 8 this year and I hurriedly flew back to Assam to get it out through surgery. There, doctors refused to operate me as they detected my blood pressure to be beyond normal limit. Since then I’m on medicine and have been postponing my surgery as there is no pain now. Actually, I’m scarred of surgery! My cousin says that the Ayurvedic medicine he has given me will flush out the stone. Next week I’m going for an ultrasonography test and please pray to God that the doctor doesn’t find the stone inside me anymore.

Now the biggest news: I got married on April 30. It was a hilarious wedding where two cultures met, albeit with too much confusion. My wife is an architect from a Baniya family in Delhi. The reason why I mention her caste here would be better understood by anyone who knows how Baniyas are. Though my wife is very much unlike Baniya, her family members are true blue baniyas who celebrate too many festivals. So you can imagine how funny my wedding where both Assamese and Baniya rituals converged. It was held in Assam and my relatives were very much amused. They really had a blast. Till date we are a happy couple and hope to remain so! I believe God is with us and so are blessings of so many relatives. For the first time in my life I realized how much I’m loved by my folks, not only my parents and sisters, but even by cousins and uncles. Hey, don’t worry, it’s not that sweet. I have a horrible khudi too and anyone who knows my family can guess who she is.

These days I’m facing a serious identity crisis. I’m unable to decide if I’m an Assamese, a Jat or a Baniya. By the way, my landlord is a Jat and his family is my second home. So I have imbibed many of their traits and people in the locality I live in Delhi consider me to be one among them. Then come my in-laws. Initially they hated me, in fact, threatened to get me killed. It was not a blank threat as they are too powerful and rich and you know my can buy anything. But they later understood what a jewel I’m and everything ended happily. In fact, I’m their favourite son-in-law now and the kids ape me blindly. I feel like I’m King Khan. And believe me; people here in Delhi treat their son-in-laws like Maharaja. So, say ‘Your Lordship’ next time you encounter me. It has been three months since my marriage and I have lost count how many festivals my sasural has celebrated in these three months. You can gauge the situation when I tell you that DJ parties are thrown to celebrate birthdays and choreographers are booked in advance to teach dance steps. So, I’m happily enjoying my three-in-one life-Assamese in a Jatland with a Baniya wife.

Another significant changed in my life: I joined India Today. When I was growing up, there was no cable and India Today was my window to the world. When I came to Delhi I had only one dream- to join India Today. I’m immensely happy to fulfill my long cherished dream. And it happened immediately after my wedding. Now, that’s called lady luck. However, I would always remain grateful to my previous boss for my entry to India Today. It was only because of him I could achieve what I wanted. Thanks boss! I love you.

Are you still reading? Not even yawning? Please see a shrink.